I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
