mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
