Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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