My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
