ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
