I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Randomize
