I bet he comes in French.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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