I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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