I'm so fucking centered right now
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
