Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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