I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
