You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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