Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
