im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
