i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
