Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
