I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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