I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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