when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
