Where is the hickey?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
did i walk over a car last night?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Houston, we have a squirter
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
