note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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