i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
