My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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