After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
