i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
