I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
