Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
