I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
