I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
