I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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