Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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