I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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