I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
