I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
