last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
