you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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