i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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