After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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