I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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