Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
