My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
