Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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