My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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