Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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