Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
