I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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