Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Bring me that man meat
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
