Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
