I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
