I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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