ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
