glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
