i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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